Editor’s note: Andrea Allen, R. N. BSN, was the feartured speaker at the Monday, May 26, 2014, Memorial Day Services. At the request of thecity1.com, she submitted her essay for those who were moved by it and those who were unable to hear her speak in person.
Mr. Prombo asked me to come and speak about the life of a military spouse. I was hesitant but am much honored to be here today to speak on behalf of all the military spouses out there, as well as those men and women who are serving our country, and especially those we are honoring here today, those that have given their lives for all of us.
Being a military wife can definitely be very challenging, but it is a lifestyle that I take great pride in. Prior to meeting Mike I didn’t know much about the military. In fact, when I met him I didn’t even know what a Navy Seal was. Shortly after we were married 9-11 occurred, so, needless to say, I learned very quickly what the military lifestyle was all about.
One thing that stands out the most to me is the amazing people we have met and great friends we have made throughout our time in the military. We were first stationed in Spain for about 18 months. After we left there, we moved to Virginia Beach and were able to spend eight years there. One benefit of Mike’s job was that he didn’t get relocated as often as others in the military. Our friends quickly became like family. These are the people we would spend holidays and celebrate special occasions with, have neighborhood cookouts with, or call if we needed anything.
For example, I needed a ride to the hospital when in labor; someone to come help remove a tree that had fallen in the middle of a storm; someone to come to the rescue when I thought I heard a strange noise at 2:00 in the morning. One thing is for certain, it seemed that everything always happened as soon as my husband walked out the door, whether it be the kids getting sick or hurt, the car breaking down, or appliances quitting. No matter what it was, I always knew there was someone I could ask for help.
Virginia Beach is highly-populated with military personnel, so we always had many neighbors that were going through the same thing. You learned to lean on each other. Those husbands that were home were usually quick to fill in for those that were not. The team that was deployed also left someone back as a point of contact for anything you needed. Everyone was always willing to help out someone in need.
Looking back, there are a few things I feel I know now, that I wish I knew then, and that is to make time for myself. Whether it is to hit the gym, have a girls’ night out, or get a job outside of the house, you need to take time for yourself. As much as I enjoyed my time home with my kids, being the single parent for 24 hours a day, for consecutive months, can get very tiresome, and you need a little recharge every so often.
I also learned that the service member does have it worse when it comes to the deployments. I remember, when we were first married and living in Spain, Mike was gone quite often…volunteering for about any trip he could go on. The days could get very long when he was gone, and I remember thinking, “You are the one who leaves. You have no idea how hard it is here without you. You have it easier than I do.” Shortly after 9-11 we moved back to Virginia Beach. So not only was he really busy and gone a lot, but we had our first child. I quickly realized I had been wrong and that it was much worse to be the one leaving. They were the ones counting the minutes, hours, days, months that they were missing. They were the ones missing first steps, birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions.
There were training trips and several deployments. The training trips were much shorter, one-to-two, maybe three weeks, but the coming and going was sometimes almost harder. He was gone just long enough for the kids and I to get into a routine, and then he was back home. As a parent, that was more difficult when our kids were younger. The confusion as to Dad being there for a short while and then gone again was hard for them to understand. Deployments were obviously hard, but with little kids they could adjust to the routine better. As the kids got older, they understood a little more and knew three-plus months was a long time. Those deployments could get long, and saying good-bye was so hard.
A feeling I never will forget was almost like an awkward silence–as you walk around the house trying to pretend like it’s just another day. Knowing it could be your last good-bye, but praying it wouldn’t be. The first few days are always the hardest, but as you get yourself into a routine and the kids get into a routine, the days begin to go by a little faster….Before you know it, you can begin the countdown to his return. Staying busy, and getting involved in different activities, or chasing four kids around helps to pass the time. Yes, you worry, but you try not to think about what it is that they are really doing over there too often. You would worry yourself sick, if all you did was think about the “What if’s.”
Our deployment cycles were about three and a half months. Like I mentioned before, after the first few days, time would start to go by a bit quicker, but as you got to the last couple of weeks, boy, did it drag! Not only were you excited to see them, but by that time you were over it, and ready for them to get back and help out! Those homecomings got the adrenaline going, and you were so thankful to have them home safe. You would try to catch up on the past three months in the first 20 minutes in the door. If he wasn’t sneaking in during the middle of the night, it was a fight as to who could talk first! You had a few days of R & R, before it was back to work. It wouldn’t be long, and we would be back to the countdown until the next deployment. It was a continuous cycle.
Mike was never one to say too much about where he was going or what he was going to be doing, and I was never one to really ask. I knew he wouldn’t tell me anyway. The “wives network” did a pretty good job of filling in the blanks for me. I would watch the news but not all of the time. If something would come across the news, all you could do was hope that it wasn’t those you knew, but also pray for those that were affected by the incident. If it was something good that had gone down, you certainly wondered if it had been his team that was involved and took pride in knowing that it could be them.
As for communication…, the first few deployments were limited to few phone calls for the duration of the deployment, and those were phone calls made by him. We were only able to contact them if it was an emergency. Email started to become a more popular and allowable means of communication after a couple of years….By his last couple of deployments we were able to occasionally Skype as well. There were meetings for the wives before each deployment to go over a few things with us and, again, if anything serious happened during the deployment. They tended to give us more information as the years went on, but in doing so, they were also pretty blunt. I remember getting called in one time after they had lost one of the team members….The Commanding Officer looked at us all and said he wished he could tell us this would be our last meeting of this kind, but he knew it wouldn’t be. Even though I knew that before I walked into the room, it was a little hard to hear someone else say it.
With war comes a lot of tragedy. The command had to quickly learn how to handle these situations as well. If your husband was gone and there was an incident, you would get a phone call letting you know something had happened, that your husband was okay, and that was it. As glad as you were that it wasn’t your significant other, all you could do was sit and think about who it was that was about to be getting this terrible news, as well as the fact that it could have been me. Wondering about what had happened and what the family must be going through would consume you. If you knew this person, well, the next thought was what you could do to help. This group of men, the so-called “frogmen,” had a very unique bond. Whenever fatality occurred, they rallied together and were there to support the grieving family any way possible, trying to support the wife and children, but also getting extended family there, as well.
The military memorials I attended for these men were amazing–from the number of people that would be there to honor this fallen soldier, the speeches that were given by friends and family, to the Patriot Riders that lined the streets to ensure that protesters of the war didn’t disrupt the services. It was always moving. There was a time back in 2007-2008 where there were many guys lost in a very short timeframe. I remember, I was working for a doctor at the time who was in his mid-to-late 50’s. When I went into work one day telling him of yet another tragedy, I remember his comment to me was how he couldn’t imagine what those guys and their families were going through. At his age he had never buried a friend. That really put into perspective for me the lifestyle I was living. I had never really stopped to think about it; it was all I knew.
One thing that helped me get through these tough times was my faith: knowing that these men were going to a better place and, I am sure, were having a good time reuniting. One other thing that helped me was knowing that those men believed in what they were doing. Serving their country, protecting all of us, fighting for our freedom is what they believed. I knew they died doing what they loved, and they would not have wanted it any other way.
Not only were there war casualties, there were a couple of skydiving training accidents that took the lives of a couple of our friends as well. Shortly after a deployment, I remember when a friend came over to tell me that one of our friends had died. My first question was, “What is he doing back overseas?” When I found out that it was a training accident it was almost more of a shock. You aren’t expecting it, especially when they have done 100’s of jumps before. When the death does occur overseas during a deployment, I don’t think people realize that soldiers, teammates, buddies, comrades, friends, aren’t given much time to grieve. They have to continue the fight. From my understanding, they do have a small ceremony, and then it is back to business.
As the war dwindles down or retirement approaches, significant others are expecting to get their husbands back. You are ready to move forward, because he has survived. Instead, there are many spouses of service members dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and/or Traumatic Brain Injury. Service members are just coming to grips with losses they have experienced while at war, after burying these emotions for so long. This can be very difficult. There are also those that have the physical injuries as well. I had the experience of going to Walter Reed Medical Facility in D. C. Being in Virginia Beach I was aware of some physical disabilities that people were coming home with. But until I went to Walter Reed, I had no idea the number of people I would see with missing limbs and other bodily injuries, which was a very eye-opening experience. As I mentioned before, I believe that these men and women believe in what they are doing, but there are more people out there than you realize that are affected by the aftermath of war.
This lifestyle has definitely made me more of a well-rounded person. I am more independent, patriotic, and stronger in my faith. As a child I remember coming to these services every year. I would see my grandma with tissues sitting by her husbands’ graves…one of which was killed in action and the other a WWII vet….I never really got it. Now I get it!
Thank you, to all of those men and women who have served and are serving!
Thank you, to everyone who has a loved one who has served and is serving!
I am so proud of Mike, his friends, and those that have given their lives for us. I am truly honored to have known these heroes and feel blessed to call them my friends.