During this festive season rife with traditions, none is more hallowed than that magical moment when the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the year are unveiled. Truly this is the most wonderful time of the year.
Please be advised that the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2016 are not in any way, shape, or form to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2016. No. No. No. They are as different as cute kitten videos and stainless steel collar stays. Petroleum jelly and the cobblestones outside 10 Downing Street. Corn chowder and Michelangelo’s David. Trope and tripe.
Sure, the year was littered with serious misadventures involving terrorism, deadly viruses, the Kardashians, and all sorts of other natural disasters, including, but not limited to: Zika infested Oregon Militia Occupiers in driverless cars being forced to platform dive into Flint, MI, tap water, while Ryan Lochte threw Brazilian gas station bathroom keys at them. But here at Durstco, we try to concentrate more on the lighter side of the vast, dark, spooky chasms of reality.
So here they are, the stories from the first eleven-twelfths of 2016 that most lent themselves to the humorous, amusing, and comedic.
10. Fidel Castro finally dies, but at least he was able to hang around long enough to see the beginning of the end of American Democracy.
9. The GOP Primaries, an eight-month-long circus that featured 16 different novelty acts, pummeled into submission by a lion tamer who used whips, and chains, and insults variously questioning their energy, heritage, wife’s attractiveness, and size of their genitals.
8. Brexit. Turns out most Brits consider “xenophobe” to be a musical instrument.
7. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series, which by many has been taken as a sign that the end of the world is near. Some historians claim Nostradamus predicted this would immediately precede the Apocalypse.
6. Bob Dylan wins Nobel Prize for Literature. And next year, Stockholm is going to give the Peace Prize to Paris Hilton for her delightful tweets.
5. Melania Trump’s GOP Convention speech. Every time Michele Obama talks now, the world waits for Melania’s spin on it.
4. Hillary Clinton’s email problems. Claimed she was only following precedents set by other Secretarys of State. And she’s right. In 1790, Thomas Jefferson had server problems as well. The difference was, Jefferson’s server was pregnant.
3. Bernie Sanders, who almost beat Hillary Clinton and came close to debating Donald Trump. Would have been fun to see the Vermont Senator chew up the New York Real Estate Developer but then be forced to spit him out, due to religious dietary laws.
2. The Galaxy Note 7, which was promoted as being water resistant. What they didn’t bother to mention was that underwater was the safest place to use the thing.
1. Donald Trump. Bombastic, brutish, boorish, blustering, barbarous, bungling bully wins U. S. Presidential election with a little help from his friends: the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the mob, fake news sites, Anthony Wiener, Bill Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, white supremacists, and Alec Baldwin.